Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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