I CAN MOONWALK!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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