I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
