a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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