I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
