When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
