you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
