...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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