Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
