So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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