I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
