At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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