I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize