I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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