The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
