I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
