So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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