quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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