I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize