If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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