I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
