My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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