How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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