he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
