saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
