Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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