I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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