worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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