a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
