# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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