At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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