I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
