he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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