We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
