I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
