my text book just quoted the cookie monster
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
