Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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