Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
