The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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