I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it glows. i had to have it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
