after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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