I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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