I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
