I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
