drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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