drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
