Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize