He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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