There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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