..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize