I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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