fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
