My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
