Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
