I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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