he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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