the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
