i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
