I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
