The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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