I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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