I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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