My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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